Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone (Storytime #1)

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Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone

Mr. and Mrs. Purrrrrsley of Number 4, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.  They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold for such nonsense.

The Purrrrsleys had everything that could ever want, but they also had a secret.  Their biggest fear was that someone would find out about Hairy… Pet-unia’s sister’s son.  No one knew that the skinny, odd-animal with an unusual scar and askew glasses wasn’t a respectable cat like the Purrrrsleys, he was a dog.  A disgusting, horrible dog, and ungrateful too!  How lucky was he that they gave him a nice cupboard under the stars to live in while dealing with the risk of him having a bad influence on their precious son?

Hairy was grateful though. He thought it was very generous that the Purrrrsleys were allowing him to attend Pugley’s birthday party at the zoo, and then he realized it was probably only because they were hoping he would get trapped in one of the cages and get left behind.  Sometimes Hairy wondered why the Purrrrsleys named their son Pugley when all cats – like Hairy and the Purrrrsleys – were supposed to hate dogs.  He came to the conclusion that the Purrrrsleys wanted to name their son something that described him, but didn’t want to just name him “Ugly” so they added a ‘P’.

When they arrived at the zoo, Hairy was already extremely irritated with Pugley.  Pugley was being his usual horrible self: teasing Hairy about wagging his tail and irritating the zoo animals.  He always made fun of Hairy when he wagged his tail, but it wasn’t his fault – he automatically did it when he was happy!  Pugley thought it was weird because no one else in the Purrrrsley family wagged their tails. It usually didn’t matter too much – when Hairy was with the Purrrrsleys he never felt like wagging his tail.

As for the animals, Pugley was clawing and the snake cage with Hairy standing by, cringing at the scraping noise it made.  Pugley’s claws were always extra sharp because he was much too lazy to use his scratching post, although he demanded that he receive one for his birthday.

Mr. and Mrs. Purrrrsley were trying to take a picture of the two boys.

“Say ‘tuna’!”  Mrs. Purrrsley cooed to Pugley.

Hairy cringed. Tuna. Blegh. Mr. Purrrrsley noticed his expression and hissed.

Eventually the picture was dropped altogether… literally.  It’s really hard to hold onto a camera when you don’t have thumbs.

Hairy looked over at the snake, who looked like he wanted to cover his ears with his hands.  You know, if he had hands.

“Woof!” Hairy said in sympathy.

Woof, woof,” the snake responded, glad that someone felt his pain.

Hairy was amazed! This snake spoke his language!  Quickly, he devised a plan.

“Woof, woof woof woof woof Pugley woof woof,” Hairy whispered through the glass.

“Woooooof,” nodded the snake in understanding.

“Woof woof, woof?” Hairy asked, and the snake laughed.  That Hairy sure had a sense of humor, don’t you think?

Before Pugley could react, the snake reared back its head and smashed it into the glass, causing Pugley to jumped back in horror.  He tried to run away, but his sharp claws on the wood floor caused him to skid around like crazy.  Soon the snake had caught up to him and wrapped itself around Pugley’s trembling body.  Right when Pugley was using his last breath to meow for mercy the snake released him, slithering back into his cage.

The Purrrrsley parents only needed to take one look at the satisfied look on Hairy’s face to know who was responsible.

“You’ll be lucky if you get out from under there before Pugley’s 18th birthday party!”  Mr. Purrrrsley screamed, slamming the door shut on his cupboard under the stairs when they returned home.

He sighed, resting his head on the lone, ratty pillow the Purrrrsleys had provided him.  For Hairy, the dog in disguise as a cat (who didn’t yet know he was a dog), life was pretty ruff.


So right now you’re probably thinking, What the heck was that? Funnily enough, I’m asking myself the same question.  Normally I’ll do “Storytime Saturday” on Saturdays, but as it was the Fourth of July yesterday I was pretty busy and didn’t have time, so… here it is!  Happy Sunday.

That was my dog in the picture up above.  This story came from when I was trying to pick him up so he would read with me and he started growling because he’s a brat.  My mom told me to leave him alone but I attempted to convince her that he was just purring, not growling, which is when she reminded me that he was a dog, and not a cat.  And that’s when inspiration struck.  (Don’t question it)

Obviously the basic idea creds of this little story all go to the wonderful J.K. Rowling.  I just thought it might be fun to do a little parody of the best series out there.  If you didn’t really get it, it was basically a parody of the first couple chapters of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”.  In this version, cats were muggles and dogs were wizards.  (Sorry to all the cat people out there).

I promise my dog was not harmed in the making of that picture.  He slept through pretty much all of it.  He was also fully compensated later that day when I was making mac and cheese and – in my eagerness to add in the cheese so I could finally eat it – cheese exploded all over the kitchen.  Christmas came early for Wrigley (no, his real name isn’t Hairy Potter. #missedopportunity)

So yeah, this was kind of random.  I’d love to hear what you thought about it in the comments.  Thanks for reading! 🙂

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